10. The Inaudible Man
9. The Good Guesser
8. The Handicapper
7. Lady Desperate
6. Seizure Lad
5. Lysdexio
4. Captain Puberty
3. Dopplegangster
2. Secondbest
1. The One-upper
Monday, March 23, 2009
Socially Awkward Member of Group Fails to Realize He is Socially Awkward
Edgar Franken (’11), known on campus
for his social awkwardness, has consistently
failed to realize his own social ineptitude.
“I’ve got my stuff pretty well together,” said
Franken. “I mean, I think its just hard to
fi nd people to hang out with, but usually
I can catch them walking across campus. I
mean, we’re hanging out, right?”
Tom Bruntwosen (’11), a member of
Franken’s social circle, expressed concern
over his behavior. “Ed really doesn’t under-
stand how things work. I mean, I don’t
answer his calls, but every few minutes or
so..” Bruntwosen trailed off, holding up
his vibrating phone.
When asked if there were any awkward
members of his social group, Franken
responded with incredulity. “I don’t think
anybody is really awkward in my group.
But if you’re really looking, I think most of
them are really bad about answering their
phones.” Franken then returned to his table
at the Bon, sat silently for twenty minutes,
and left with a quiet “Goodbye.”
for his social awkwardness, has consistently
failed to realize his own social ineptitude.
“I’ve got my stuff pretty well together,” said
Franken. “I mean, I think its just hard to
fi nd people to hang out with, but usually
I can catch them walking across campus. I
mean, we’re hanging out, right?”
Tom Bruntwosen (’11), a member of
Franken’s social circle, expressed concern
over his behavior. “Ed really doesn’t under-
stand how things work. I mean, I don’t
answer his calls, but every few minutes or
so..” Bruntwosen trailed off, holding up
his vibrating phone.
When asked if there were any awkward
members of his social group, Franken
responded with incredulity. “I don’t think
anybody is really awkward in my group.
But if you’re really looking, I think most of
them are really bad about answering their
phones.” Franken then returned to his table
at the Bon, sat silently for twenty minutes,
and left with a quiet “Goodbye.”
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Top Ten Least Acceptable Things to Say At A Urinal
10. I don’t know, does it smell like asparagus to you?
9. I see you’ve been working on your technique.
8. Bonus multiplier times four! Multiball initiated!
7. Don’t worry, its not contagious.
6. You come here often?
5. I wish we could stay like this forever.
4. Go-go Gadget Urine!
3. You know, they don’t really taste like cake.
2. Can I draw you?
1. Nice watch.
9. I see you’ve been working on your technique.
8. Bonus multiplier times four! Multiball initiated!
7. Don’t worry, its not contagious.
6. You come here often?
5. I wish we could stay like this forever.
4. Go-go Gadget Urine!
3. You know, they don’t really taste like cake.
2. Can I draw you?
1. Nice watch.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Top Ten Next Logical Steps
10. Repeat
9. Eat the next fattest person.
8. Invent the tire.
7. See if the Bins has condoms.
6. Build a coconut grandpa.
5. Make a lolcat to illustrate howz u fhel.
4. Check for a pulse
3. Curse the gods and claw out your own eyes.
2. Zip up
1. Buy another kitten
9. Eat the next fattest person.
8. Invent the tire.
7. See if the Bins has condoms.
6. Build a coconut grandpa.
5. Make a lolcat to illustrate howz u fhel.
4. Check for a pulse
3. Curse the gods and claw out your own eyes.
2. Zip up
1. Buy another kitten
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Top Ten Rejected Top Ten Lists
10. Races
9. Meta Lists
8. Phrases that would cause the
administration to sue the Piolog
7. Synonyms for penis
6. Reasons to include Garik
Asplund (’10) in an article
5. Smells that remind you of your
grandpa
4. Kinda funny things
3. Single digit numbers
2. Sounds your mom makes
1. Self-congratulatory Backdoor
articles
9. Meta Lists
8. Phrases that would cause the
administration to sue the Piolog
7. Synonyms for penis
6. Reasons to include Garik
Asplund (’10) in an article
5. Smells that remind you of your
grandpa
4. Kinda funny things
3. Single digit numbers
2. Sounds your mom makes
1. Self-congratulatory Backdoor
articles
Apology issued for publishing a Bible Madlib
Recent articles on the backdoor have roused some
campus response, and we would like to take this opportu-
nity to apologize for our content. We here at the backdoor
have been routinely criticized as heartless bastards only
interested in fucking over the little man as he tries to go
about his meaningless existence conforming to whatever
ideology has been foisted upon him by the circumstances
of his birth. Despite threats of bodily harm, we have
resisted the pressure put upon us by our editors and
that little angel who weeps on our left shoulder in our
commitment to provide you with a consistent stream of
amusing bullshit.
Nonetheless, we are aware that there are sensitive is-
sues that may pass under our view without alarm, and in
an effort to amuse students without alienating them, we
would like to ask you for your input. If you could please
e-mail us topics and story ideas that you find completely
inoffensive, we will do our best to incorporate them into
the backpage. Until then, I hope you fuckers die.
campus response, and we would like to take this opportu-
nity to apologize for our content. We here at the backdoor
have been routinely criticized as heartless bastards only
interested in fucking over the little man as he tries to go
about his meaningless existence conforming to whatever
ideology has been foisted upon him by the circumstances
of his birth. Despite threats of bodily harm, we have
resisted the pressure put upon us by our editors and
that little angel who weeps on our left shoulder in our
commitment to provide you with a consistent stream of
amusing bullshit.
Nonetheless, we are aware that there are sensitive is-
sues that may pass under our view without alarm, and in
an effort to amuse students without alienating them, we
would like to ask you for your input. If you could please
e-mail us topics and story ideas that you find completely
inoffensive, we will do our best to incorporate them into
the backpage. Until then, I hope you fuckers die.
Top Ten Least Acceptable Txt Messages
10. wat
9. OMG thats redonkulus
8. Send me an IM abt it
7. u lost da game
6. We r over kthxbai
5. how do u get blud off kurtinz???
4. it wuz me dat kut ur dik off
3. itsnoturz
2. R U in Me?
1. u haz cancer?
9. OMG thats redonkulus
8. Send me an IM abt it
7. u lost da game
6. We r over kthxbai
5. how do u get blud off kurtinz???
4. it wuz me dat kut ur dik off
3. itsnoturz
2. R U in Me?
1. u haz cancer?
Puberday
Intelligent Design’s biggest detractor is the final product;
we humans possess a number of design flaws that seem glar-
ingly obvious, and I believe it is time to correct these mis-
takes now, while we still have the chance to bribe our desper-
ate, amoral scientists to play god with our notably unsound
gene pool.
Puberty will be the first thing to go. This terrible period
in the human lifecycle transforms six to nine years of our
short lives into a confusing, horny, hairy snafu. Of course
this period is a necessary part of human growth, but it can be
condensed, limiting the time it sucks into its overeager maw.
The answer is Puberday. All of puberty condensed into
one horrible, horrible day. It will not be pretty, and it will not
be quiet, but there are so few options– it may be the only way
to reclaim the pleasantness of youth.
All children will be short up to the age of fourteen, where-
upon, some random day between fourteen and seventeen,
they will wake up on Puberday. At midnight, a raging river of
hormones will begin to flood through their bodies, suppress-
ing all rational thought. Most will grow at least a foot (gen-
erally more), as well as seven years’ worth of unwanted body
hair and a tidal wave of acne– all in less than 24 hours.
Parents will learn to hide; seven years worth of angst ex-
ploding out of an omni-pubescent body promises to incur
an incredible amount of damage. Th e teen itself will have no
idea as to what is happening– all the confusion, loneliness,
and social awkwardness of youth will be compressed into this
magical day. Special school counselors on PCP will be present
to counsel students, but generally it is a time of free growth
and experimentation, similar to the Amish Rumspringa.
Of course we cannot forget the psychological develop-
ment and the personal growth that this would bypass. To
balance this out, every moment of Puberday will be burned
forever into their memories, no matter how badly they want
to forget. Every kiss, stumble, and poorly kept secret will lin-
ger on the edge of every thought, neither fading nor wearing
thin.
As gruesome as it sounds, I believe it is for the best. We
can no longer allow puberty to destroy our youth and our
poetry. I would like to ask all you young science majors to
look back a few years, and with that disgusting taste still in
your mouth, look forward and help me create a better future
for tomorrow’s tomorrow.
we humans possess a number of design flaws that seem glar-
ingly obvious, and I believe it is time to correct these mis-
takes now, while we still have the chance to bribe our desper-
ate, amoral scientists to play god with our notably unsound
gene pool.
Puberty will be the first thing to go. This terrible period
in the human lifecycle transforms six to nine years of our
short lives into a confusing, horny, hairy snafu. Of course
this period is a necessary part of human growth, but it can be
condensed, limiting the time it sucks into its overeager maw.
The answer is Puberday. All of puberty condensed into
one horrible, horrible day. It will not be pretty, and it will not
be quiet, but there are so few options– it may be the only way
to reclaim the pleasantness of youth.
All children will be short up to the age of fourteen, where-
upon, some random day between fourteen and seventeen,
they will wake up on Puberday. At midnight, a raging river of
hormones will begin to flood through their bodies, suppress-
ing all rational thought. Most will grow at least a foot (gen-
erally more), as well as seven years’ worth of unwanted body
hair and a tidal wave of acne– all in less than 24 hours.
Parents will learn to hide; seven years worth of angst ex-
ploding out of an omni-pubescent body promises to incur
an incredible amount of damage. Th e teen itself will have no
idea as to what is happening– all the confusion, loneliness,
and social awkwardness of youth will be compressed into this
magical day. Special school counselors on PCP will be present
to counsel students, but generally it is a time of free growth
and experimentation, similar to the Amish Rumspringa.
Of course we cannot forget the psychological develop-
ment and the personal growth that this would bypass. To
balance this out, every moment of Puberday will be burned
forever into their memories, no matter how badly they want
to forget. Every kiss, stumble, and poorly kept secret will lin-
ger on the edge of every thought, neither fading nor wearing
thin.
As gruesome as it sounds, I believe it is for the best. We
can no longer allow puberty to destroy our youth and our
poetry. I would like to ask all you young science majors to
look back a few years, and with that disgusting taste still in
your mouth, look forward and help me create a better future
for tomorrow’s tomorrow.
Top Ten Awkward Times To Die
10. After being told to “Drop Dead”
9. While Revising the Poor First Draft of a Suicide Note
8. First Kiss (Last Kiss)
7. Bahmitsva
6. Playing the board game Life
5. Demonstrating the safety of anything
4. Performing the Heimlich
3. In the forest when there nobody around to hear.
2. In a Nerf war
1. While grave robbing
9. While Revising the Poor First Draft of a Suicide Note
8. First Kiss (Last Kiss)
7. Bahmitsva
6. Playing the board game Life
5. Demonstrating the safety of anything
4. Performing the Heimlich
3. In the forest when there nobody around to hear.
2. In a Nerf war
1. While grave robbing
Top Ten Least Appealing Product Names
10. Baby Bum Juice
9. Minority-B-Gone
8. Rickets & Gravy
7. Chigger-o’s
6. Rough Riders’ Double Sided Sandpaper Condoms
5. Extra-Desperate Virgin Olive Oil
4. Freddie Foreskin’s Klean-Slice® Home
Circumcision Kit
3. Nugget Lube
2. Chunky Cream of Puberty Soup
1. Grandpa Rinse
9. Minority-B-Gone
8. Rickets & Gravy
7. Chigger-o’s
6. Rough Riders’ Double Sided Sandpaper Condoms
5. Extra-Desperate Virgin Olive Oil
4. Freddie Foreskin’s Klean-Slice® Home
Circumcision Kit
3. Nugget Lube
2. Chunky Cream of Puberty Soup
1. Grandpa Rinse
Back to School
Alright kids, it’s back to campus, and you know what
that means. It’s time to fumble our way out of our halcyon
days and try to harrow our way through the dangers of
another school year. The greatest threat is, of course, the
weather.
We will live the next month in fear; each morning we
will wake up to the overcast sky and think- “This is it- I
have seen the sun for the last time.” Every sunset will break
our hearts a little bit as we sit there in the twilight, wonder-
ing whether it’ll be back the next day or whether we’ll have
to wait six miserable months.
There is only one answer, my friends. It is time that we
break up with the sun. We all know that this relationship is
abusive- a good two thirds of the year it treats us like shit,
while we still spend that time talking about how much we
miss it, how good times used to be, blaming all our prob-
lems on its absence. We need to admit to ourselves that this
is an unhealthy relationship and try to get over it.
So we have to get by on our own. But its hard- we’re
used to the light that the sun brought into our lives, to the
warmth- we don’t want to give that up. We just have to
admit that we can’t get that from the sun this year, and look
elsewhere.
So let’s date. It’s a forgotten art, I know, but it may be
our best choice. It will give some excitement to last through
the winter. Don’t be shy about going out and asking the
cute girl in the Mac lab to go on a ferry ride, or convincing
that guy studying at Maggie’s to break into the Japanese
Gardens with you after hours. Buck up, take the chance,
kiss the girl- it’s going to get lonely around here without the
sun, and we need to move on.
that means. It’s time to fumble our way out of our halcyon
days and try to harrow our way through the dangers of
another school year. The greatest threat is, of course, the
weather.
We will live the next month in fear; each morning we
will wake up to the overcast sky and think- “This is it- I
have seen the sun for the last time.” Every sunset will break
our hearts a little bit as we sit there in the twilight, wonder-
ing whether it’ll be back the next day or whether we’ll have
to wait six miserable months.
There is only one answer, my friends. It is time that we
break up with the sun. We all know that this relationship is
abusive- a good two thirds of the year it treats us like shit,
while we still spend that time talking about how much we
miss it, how good times used to be, blaming all our prob-
lems on its absence. We need to admit to ourselves that this
is an unhealthy relationship and try to get over it.
So we have to get by on our own. But its hard- we’re
used to the light that the sun brought into our lives, to the
warmth- we don’t want to give that up. We just have to
admit that we can’t get that from the sun this year, and look
elsewhere.
So let’s date. It’s a forgotten art, I know, but it may be
our best choice. It will give some excitement to last through
the winter. Don’t be shy about going out and asking the
cute girl in the Mac lab to go on a ferry ride, or convincing
that guy studying at Maggie’s to break into the Japanese
Gardens with you after hours. Buck up, take the chance,
kiss the girl- it’s going to get lonely around here without the
sun, and we need to move on.
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