Puberday

Intelligent Design’s biggest detractor is the final product;
we humans possess a number of design flaws that seem glar-
ingly obvious, and I believe it is time to correct these mis-
takes now, while we still have the chance to bribe our desper-
ate, amoral scientists to play god with our notably unsound
gene pool.
Puberty will be the first thing to go. This terrible period
in the human lifecycle transforms six to nine years of our
short lives into a confusing, horny, hairy snafu. Of course
this period is a necessary part of human growth, but it can be
condensed, limiting the time it sucks into its overeager maw.
The answer is Puberday. All of puberty condensed into
one horrible, horrible day. It will not be pretty, and it will not
be quiet, but there are so few options– it may be the only way
to reclaim the pleasantness of youth.
All children will be short up to the age of fourteen, where-
upon, some random day between fourteen and seventeen,
they will wake up on Puberday. At midnight, a raging river of
hormones will begin to flood through their bodies, suppress-
ing all rational thought. Most will grow at least a foot (gen-
erally more), as well as seven years’ worth of unwanted body
hair and a tidal wave of acne– all in less than 24 hours.
Parents will learn to hide; seven years worth of angst ex-
ploding out of an omni-pubescent body promises to incur
an incredible amount of damage. Th e teen itself will have no
idea as to what is happening– all the confusion, loneliness,
and social awkwardness of youth will be compressed into this
magical day. Special school counselors on PCP will be present
to counsel students, but generally it is a time of free growth
and experimentation, similar to the Amish Rumspringa.
Of course we cannot forget the psychological develop-
ment and the personal growth that this would bypass. To
balance this out, every moment of Puberday will be burned
forever into their memories, no matter how badly they want
to forget. Every kiss, stumble, and poorly kept secret will lin-
ger on the edge of every thought, neither fading nor wearing
thin.
As gruesome as it sounds, I believe it is for the best. We
can no longer allow puberty to destroy our youth and our
poetry. I would like to ask all you young science majors to
look back a few years, and with that disgusting taste still in
your mouth, look forward and help me create a better future
for tomorrow’s tomorrow.